Friday, February 02, 2007

I HATE COMPUTERS ( a therapy intermission)

I `m not expecting help I just want to tell the world how much I hate computers . Everyone thinks they are so useful , friendly little presences that just want to help . Well you are all so so wrong. They are in fact minor demons some way down the hierarchy from famine and pestilence , maybe , but spirits of pure evil nonetheless. If it gives you some idea this is my current top ten hate list.
1 Computers
2 Socialism
3 Work
….and computers fill the rest of the available space.

Its all my fault . I went to a site that I should have , not an illegal site but not one lets say I would like to discuss with my mother ,or anyone else come to think about it . It sent me spy ware and this caused the appearance of weird windows looking objects which , being a total stone age idiot ,I took to be real .I carefully did exactly as I was told until I was riven with scurvy and had to take time from work to download Nazi Aryan thug spy ware. The blonde Gestapo programme marched in and ethnically cleansed the whole lebensraum ( you see the state of mind you get into ). Damn right I thought . I watched the fires burn across virtual land . Die , die you unclean pig -dogs. I may have shouted…what is happening to me ?
All of this caused me to close to a nervous breakdown and then , what should the venomous swine do this morning but leap out of its slumber and stop me sending emails .I can get emails , I can use the interweb , but when I try to send one it breaks the connection. It maybe something to do with some update of windows or a compacting cue that kept turning up. Who knows .

This I know .Once again the malevolent sprite “computer” is licking its dry lips with ill concealed joy. Once again ,the gulf between Gutenberg types like me and technical overlords like you is all to clear. I `m going to end up shining your shoes just because I can`t press a few buttons .I tell you now though ,when you don’t let me on the bus , when you won’t share the latrine with me you are storing up trouble oh yea your time is coming .One day I `m going to kick this stupid thing out of the window and I will have the last laugh.

I HATE COMPUTERS.


But if anyone has any advice , I will be your slave and write your biography with belly crawling unctuous and pitiable gratitude ……..weep weep weep.


Come to think of it inanimate objects in general...don`t get me started...

28 comments:

David Barry said...

I use computers all the time. But I do not "love" them.

At the risk of triggering hostile remarks from various strange people, can I point out that all the troubles you describe would not have occurred if you had been using a Macintosh?

newmnaia said...

Well thnaks for that Dave ! I must remember to go back in time and be a different person , and have known what was doing in the first place.

You see how the techno elite scoff !!Clever buggers aren`t they

nick drew said...

What a ghastly morality tale, Mr mania

You will not find me numbered among the scoffers (this time)

I will buy you a consoling beer (or three) But not today, we have a council by-election here in Cr and I must tramp the streets

james higham said...

Highly entertaining post - I can feel the angst dripping off the screen.

Steven_L said...

Last time I let my mate on the PC he went straight to the porno sites and we ended up with some of this crapware stuff on the PC.

I just left it there and put up with the pop-ups every 5 seconds. Three days later Norton had locked onto it and wiped it out.

When new crapware comes out it takes a few days for the anti-virus people to come up with a fix, but they usually do in the end if you just leave it and don't click the little windows.

If you followed all the instructions though God knows what you're infected with!

CityUnslicker said...

try spybot - free and easy.

use mozilla as your browser, that helps.

Don't worry, keyboards will be a thing of the past in 10 years....

istanbultory said...

well, I share the hate. I am firmly in the technophobic corner. A necessary evil, and all that...

kev said...

I find the internet a waste of bloody time.

Why is it easier to get a picture of Britney Spear's chuff than a free download of Gnarles Barkley's music ?

mutleythedog said...

I hate them too - other than all the things I do with them....

kev said...

On the subject of viruses ...

... is it true that blokes won't be needing inoculation against bird flu ?

Arthurian Legend said...

Newmania, there is a new Islington blogger in town...

Peter Hitchens said...

hahhaha
serves you right you pervert!
Its happened to me loads of times, AOl is a good ISP for zapping spyware and you get macafee, that sorts the problems out.
So cough the job what was the site?

Ellee said...

I only hate computers when they wrong and I feel so helpless, otherwise, I regard them as my right arm and couldn't live without them. I expect that is the same for a large proportion of the population.

newmania said...

Kev -GROAAAAN!!!

Arthurian i havce seen you site and you are clearly as very thoughtful and interesting chap. Good for you !!

PHITCH The site in question was unspeakably perverse. I shall therfore not speak of it



Ellee Hi ...I shall no doubt be looking inot your TOP BLOG this week as i always do

Peter Hitchens said...

Mr Mania
I dare say that we have all at some time or another visited a site just as appalling as the one currently worrying you, legal, but sordid and full of images of self abasement and humiliation.

Was it webcameron?

newmania said...

Yes very good PHITCH ( really hysterical actually). I disapprove as you know , of your nihilist attitude. I am linking your blog on the basis you can be funny but there will be a health warning attached.

You are bad person but you may yet be reformed

kev said...

Read this and weep.

About a month ago my 'pooter went down. What with christmas coming up an' all I couldn't be arsed to sort it out. Then eventually I was badgered by Mrs P to get it sorted and got onto India (where else ?)

Now I have no problem with Indians doing my work ... so long as they can communicate with me. The problem here though was that they couldn't understand the type of idioms or turns of phrase that we use and trying to communicate over the phone was a bit like trying to give route directions with my hands behind my back. I lost count of the amount of times I was asked "And how are you spelling Kevin ?" - passed from pillar to post, having to retell my story over and over with each operator. As tricky as trying to decorate the hallway through the letter box.

Eventually on the third day (I kid you not) I get onto a very nice chap at a help desk, obviously very bright and he talks me through all sorts of fancy moves - great, we're getting somewhere (still not on-line yet). The post comes as I am doing this and Mrs P brings downstairs a solicitors letter on behalf of BT to tell us that we are to pay outstanding internet bills or the bailiffs will be round PDQ.(Oh - forgot, we live in an upside-down house incase you're wondering.)

We hadn't even seen a warning letter - money had been going out of our account to BT and it transpired that they had cocked up. Me and matey in India had been trying to resurect a service which was as dead as Pauline Fowler's arse.

Another story:

I'm on a railway platform trying to get to work during a period of heavy storms (service is totally knacked) and I'm in uniform with a crowd around me seriously dis-chuffed and about to remove my nipple rings without unclipping them. There's an emergency call button on the platform so I use my innitiative to see if I can get information about the missing service ... who do I get put through to ??? You got it - INDIA !!! "And how are you spelling Kevin ?" @*%$ !

Ain't life just great in BLAIR'S BRITAIN !!!

Grrrr !

Newmania said...

Nice one Kev , two nice ones actually . I like the way you say `Pooter. Thats what mine is "The Diary of a Nobody".

If you haven`t read it do. Its a classic of English Humour. In fact ,in it, Mr. Pooter actually lived yards from my house.

Or was that part of your joke as well

Peter Hitchens said...

Mr Mania
Bearing in mind the company you are currently keeping surely you mean that you have recently taken an interest in Poofterisms rather than Pooterisms?
Cheap joke but I couldnt fucking resist it.

Newmania said...

Once again funny , but in a bad way Peter

Peter Hitchens said...

Mr Mania
The nastier the joke the funnier it is.

Newmania said...

The nastier the joke the funnier it is.


Not at all I greatly enjoy Richard Stilgoes hilarious witty odes. They are never nasty

Peter Hitchens said...

Richard Stilgoe???
Bearded dwarf who sits at the piano?
Not for me.
I still havent got my head around the fact that the duke of Edinburgh counts Giles Brandreth as a friend.
Why??????????????????

newmania said...

Richard Stilgoe???

That was not serious remark...

kev said...

Sounded like a serious remark to me, Newmania.

nick drew said...

mania is renowned for his love of witty odes

Newmania said...

Oh for god`s sake Richard Stilgoe !!! What do you think of me ...

I see.....

Michael Riley said...

Hi,

I am a computer technician with 25+ years of hands-on experience. I am able to save people a huge amount of frustration with their computer problems except people don't believe what I say.

Computers and printers, etc., are designed to fail. Usually right after the warranty expires. Sometimes they fail one day after the warranty sometimes 1-3 months after. The point is we are being lied to by the computer industry.

I see it clearly because of my experience. Other technicians say I am wrong. They don't know what I know. Google the "floppy controller defect" that is a defect that Toshiba (and the rest of the computer industry concealed...lied about)was sued for knowingly concealing. It is consumer fraud. I can stop this planned obsolescence.

https://sites.google.com/site/reallybigfix

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