Monday, January 08, 2007

Feeling fat anyone?

Sent into the Gazette. ( Written with a little help from me )

Poor Achilles ,the adorable Spaniel, ( Sarah Harvey’s article ), was left alone with a box of Choccies and scoffed the lot. I `m so glad he recovered ,but regrettably Achilles wasn’t the only one who over indulged recently. Unaccountably all our clothes seem to have shrunk over Christmas , does anyone recognise the problem? There is a new wonder diet pill , called Slendrol on the market. Unfortunately its for dogs.
For we non-canines the fun is over , and while we feel our sensitive bank accounts gingerly, the self loathing really kicks in .Gosh isn’t everyone queuing up to make you feel even worse? A day doesn’t` pass without our being told that weight problems are a plague of biblical proportions. Dark rumours circulate of the NHS refusing treatment unless you are thin , the fat tax looks set to become a reality ,and they will soon be labelling Mars bars, “Death dealing poison”.
We can’t even be nice to ourselves. In a recent survey 97 % of women admitted to looking at other women and thinking , “Goodness she’s fat” .A woman of 31 has been on an average of 38 diets ! Then the panic really sets in. We read that 23 people were trapped behind a particularly large lady who got stuck on a tour of the Cango caves of South Africa .She was freed by greasing the cave walls with liquid paraffin and some sturdy pulleys . Put the sausage roll down and back slowly away !
What are we to do ? Well the only answer is to eat sensibly , take some exercise and find someone , or something , even more bloated and disgusting than you .I have a suggestion. The grotesquely swollen State .
Gordon Brown has created a “target a day” since arriving in Government including a target for the Cabinet office to provide more targets. The cost of all this is estimated at £15 billion .After 2001,vast amounts have been spent on the public sector, spiralling public finances into deficit .As services are ,if anything ,worse ,they presumably ate the money. Mrs. Taylor said Achilles ,”hadn’t learnt his lesson“, and I `m afraid Mr. Brown never will.
So cheer up everyone , we might be on a gruel and guilt for a month, but we are Kate Moss look-alikes compared to the morbidly obese Government .
Marian Newman

The story


Philipa said...

Hi Marian! Love the post and hope you contribute often. Yes to everything, actually that's the attitude that got me into this situation - if I don't lose inches I'll be wearing towels as I can't afford a new wardrobe of clothes.

I can blame being fat on being ill but in a New Year that excuse is wearing thin and I'm going to have to get back to the gym. Ho hum. I always thought it was quite vulgar to sweat in public but it seems to have quite a lot of street cred as dripping waif-like maidens step confidently off the treadmill wearing little more than a smug smile. A smile that sems to be echoed in their six-pack midriff on display. Disgusting exhibition.

Sadly I can no longer afford fresh yaks milk.

Anonymous said...

Huh it wasn`t wexcatly all her own work P.

Lovely to see you

Anonymous said...

Whats the equivalent of lipo-suction for a Government? Better would be stomach stapling maybe?

newmania said...

Ask Jade , she`s the expert

Philipa said...

Don't know about "the equivalent of lipo-suction for a Government" but for HM opposition is it Portillo losing his seat?

Stomach stapling for the government would be Tracy on top wouldn't it?

Anonymous said...

Phillipa how i do love to see you . I have attempted to interest Cramner in you latest faith , post. Hope he takes it and hands out the credit

Eliza said...

Breakfast In Bed

Friday night-
Pee promises me breakfast in bed
With colours created by God...

Saturday morning-
Sunshine streams in fruit juice orange,
The sea in his eyes blue,
His sensual lips sun-kissed tomato red,
One throbing hot sausage brown,
Two snug eggs on straw mellow,
Mimosa scatters crumbs on our bed yellow...

( two hours later...)

His love milk

Eliza, 11 January 2007
for Pee xxx

Philipa said...

Anonymous - many thanks, I hope Cranmer takes it up too.

In fact, this Rev.Uphimself seems to be the architect of Peter Hitchens' opinions (boy do I feel stupid for spending time arguing them when if i'd known the source I wouldn't have bothered) so I sincerely hope Guido takes it up.

I wouldn't be unhappy if both were sacked - it's wrong to give a voice to that religious fanatic in a national newspaper, but with Hitchens it takes one to know one and he covers it up fairly well - he has enough skill to argue/trade on your want for being reasonable.

I think they should sack Peter and employ Nick, it would improve the tone there.

jaq said...

Eliza - I'm still jealous I can't write erotic poetry. Hope you got my 'Happy New Year'

Praguetory said...

V cliquey. The Islington Gazette sounds like a fine read. Do they do international subscription?

newmania said...

I didn`t get this one in P it was to wafflsome. This is the next go

Chris Graham, and others, persist in telling us that money can be created from nothing.” Council Rents are a Third of Private …because private landlords exploit a shortage. ”.By “exploit a shortage”, he means, “The price set by the market “. His choice of words tells all you need to know about the antiquated Socialism he believes in. The absence of a direct, “Subsidy”, is irrelevant.
He is counting the wrong way .There is no value except that set by the market .By withholding large tracts of hot-spot inner City housing, the price everyone else pays for property is inflated. This works by a mechanism called, “scarcity”. When some pay less the rest pay more; its that simple. To add insult to injury I notice Sharon Hayward from the local hard left claiming that the treasury benefits from the government’s having wisely investing the country’s wealth in property .The bricks and mortar are almost valueless. “We” create the value by borrowing up to five times our salaries and slaving like dogs to keep pace. The same is true of the £45,000,000 Islington Council are raising from selling property assets
Leaseholders are property owners and mortgage payers; they are almost universally working people making no claims on the tax payer. In fact they are often in the relatively low income brackets suffering 70 % marginal taxation form the vicious Brownite tax and spend government. Uniquely they pay twice, in the form of absurdly inflated Service charges that disappear into the general waste of the state
Pat Wagland smugly refers to “Working Class Tenants”.70% of Council tenants are on benefits whereas almost all leaseholders work. It is a bitter irony that she excludes these ordinarily heroic people from the, “Working “class.

newmania said...

Wow I`m really starting to like that Eliza.

No point in crying over spilt milk is there Eliza !!1

eliza said...

Jaq: I got your Happy New Year greetings, yes. Thanks. You have writen some saucy, raunchy poems on Bee's site, too, Jaq ! (giggle)

Pee: Er... spilt milk, Pee? (giggle, giggle))

Philipa said...

Eliza - I envy your skill; I made a raunchy joke towards the 'Peter Hitchens' that posts here and convinced him I should be sectioned under the mental health act immediately. Twas just a joke but.... perhaps these things are more acceptable if they are in verse, rather than borrowed from Monty Python.

Oh well, always look on the bright side of life!

Newmania said...

Spliot milk was a book of poems that Eliza would love . I `ll look them out I used to know the writer

eliza said...


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