Saturday, February 17, 2007

Look Back In Languor

Don’t know if I `ll do this regularly or not, but at all events ,welcome to a more than usually aimless meander around the silly stories I `ve enjoyed lately. It seems the police share my manyana attitude judging from the BBC News Headline

“Another schoolboy shot dead in London- Police to hold urgent talks” ……..well lets have a chat shall we then………

PINKY MASSACRE

You might think , “OAP bit off neighbour’s little finger in row over geraniums “,would be hard to top . It is a goody , apparently Pamela Fox , 65,spat the severed digit into Maija Andric`s face . It was a two year simmer which started over guess what ? Parking spaces. The very same issue that got me into politics so keep you hands well away from my mouth lefties.!

FRAUDS GET FILM

There is hope for Blair after all . The famously lip synching Milli Vanilli are about to be recipients of the full Hollywood treatment. Jeff Nathanson, who was the screen writer for ,“Catch Me If You Can “, explained that he had always be fascinated by frauds and phoneys. So I’m sure we can all suggest his next subject .
The intriguing thing about Milli Vanilli is that while they were actually involved in the whole silly game they began to believe they could sing themselves . The German producer Frank Farian got so frustrated with them that he outed them and the ensuing scandal lead eventually to depression drugs a death for Rob Pilatus . Isn’t it peculiar how fame warps people’s minds . That name Rob …hmmmm

ROBBIE


Similarly Robbie Williams was given fictitious song writing credits for Guy Chamber`s sometimes excellent material. This was a Royalty sharing ruse that is common in the Music biz , but then he began to think he could write his own stuff. The resulting melange of risible doodling has nearly sunk EMI and is commonly reckoned to be the worst record ever made. Poor old Robbie ,faced with the truth that he is and always will be no more than a fat tap dancer from Stockport , he`s gone druggy to. Where do these grandiose delusions come from though.

MORE FILM NEWS

Incidentally there is also a film in the pipe line to tell the story of Charles De Menzes. .I wonder whose story they are going to tell exactly . I will be curious as to how the scene at Stockwell Tube Station is played and looking out for the word . Oops

TIM RICE FEELS IGNORED

Poor Tim Rice just feels utterly spent and empty darling . The Tories just don’t love him anymore. ”Dave and his dynamic thrusting team are simply not interested in me or my Neanderthal views. They couldn’t give a stuff what I think” (Speccie). Well I do know how he feels perhaps he can write a song or the ribbon of many colours that is due to replace my beloved Blue Rosette. What Colour will it be Tim ? Altogether…
……. red and yellow and green and brown
And scarlet and black and ocher and peach
And ruby and olive and violet and fawn
And lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve
And cream and crimson and silver and rose
And azure and lemon and russet and grey
And purple and white ….and so on infinitum

( Newmania fact . I played Joseph in the Primary School production and had a goodish Treble voice .)

TODDLER FIGHTING


A really nasty story this about a group of women forcing their 2 and 3 year olds to fight each other . It was filmed and the footage “shocked and stunned all who saw it “. Its the details . The little boy repeatedly cries “I don’t want to “and is called a “wimp and a faggot”. There are some things that I just do not understand at all and this is one of them . Perhaps with all this banging on about the how wonderful the family is we should bear in mind it isn`t always .As I recently mentioned the most likely people to steal from the old are their own relatives and the people torturing these children were their own mothers .

IT GETS WORSE


Then a new born girl was discovered in a bin having been dumped there by her 19 year old mother Samantha Robertson The baby may be returned to the mother who claims she was to scared to tell her parents she was pregnant. Does that justify attempted murder then ? Not for me ; but with pro abortionist women seeking the right to pursue their unwanted teenagers down the street with a baseball bat , I may be not with the zeitgeist here.

BACK TO THE 70s

Jammie Dodgers and Wagon Wheels no longer contain artery clogging trans fats announced Burton’s foods .Ahhh Wagon Wheels that takes me back to the 70s . I actually had one of the first Choppers in the Street because Newmania Senior worked in the States and was the coolest thing in the playground , I thought .
I bought K-tel Top of the Pops records and my favourite band were Sweet. In fact I `m not at all sure that you can top Ballroom Blitz to this day .

MONEY ..what is it worth eh ?


A Los Angeles Zoo paid a feng shui expert £2300 so three golden monkeys from China will feel at home ( In their swinging pad!)…Amazing. Meanwhile a Peckham Preacher who took money from clients whose fertility he assisted by the power of prayer has been refused legal aid to battle against his extradition to Kenya. Less amazing . Inevitable ..there seems to be about one of these a month.



INTERNET CASANOVA


Hey turn down the light as and put some soft music on . Welcome to my love salon. Casanova con men (like me ), are targeting the lonely so says the Office of Fair Trading ..(actually anyone will do .) they befriend them , before starting to mention an urgent operation or being stranded abroad. So what’s the harm in that then , everyone gets something out of the deal . Don’t be put off send me your money ,and if you are a women …I love you.

BEEN THERE

The number of Drivers advertising their gas guzzlers on E bay has gone up 23 percent since July says the auction website and there’s a seventy five percent increase in people buying motorbikes. Of course Red Ken is to blame for this but I `m alright I already have a motor bike, when I need a Pizza delivery job I come with my own kit.

ROUND ONE

A gang of happy slappers got more than they bargained for when they picked on ex amateur boxer Curtis Mulcare 31. Mr . Mulcare put two of them in hospital and a further four were arrested .One of them had approached him at a bus stop and slapped in this face I do hope it was one of the ones in hospital.


In the world of silly otherwise there was the discovery that Cleopatra was ugly .So what was it that first attracted you to the Queen of the wealthiest grain basket in the Ancient world Mark Anthony ?Some things are pretty constant aren’t they. A lethal pink bunny was recalled by Fisher Price and Pubs are closing at five a week say CAMRA

HAGUE THE SOT

The best thing to do is to start drinking early and often. Ask William Hague who said this in an interview with a lad`s Mag years ago “ My holiday job was as a drivers mate , delivering the bottles and beer around South Yorkshire. We used to have a pint at every stop and we had ten stops a day …Then go out in the evening to the pub.”
Impressive but when GQ questioned the veracity of the boastful Yorkshireman staff at Conservative Central Office , no less, squealed” We can get you firm evidence he drank 14 pints , he used to come home completely plastered”. Should have stuck to the skunk really . Less trouble


Next up . Scottish Local elections and the end of the|Union

22 comments:

Croydonian said...

Quite the tour d'horizon.

I never had a Chopper bike (but all my mates did) so maybe that's why I'm bitter and twisted.

Newmania said...

Onme of many reasons I should think C

Newmania said...

One of many reasons I should think C

Ms Smack said...

Those stories about the fighting children are appalling. I hope welfare is removing the children from the family. There are so many childless couples out there who would love an opportunity to give some TLC to a child...

AND, I didnt know Rob from Milli Vanilli had checked out. At least he wasnt the hot one!

Arthurian Legend said...

No!! Don't say that about Robbie! Next you'll be telling me that he was wearing a gel pouch down his pants for that one where he strutted about on a podium in a metal cage...

As for the Anthony and Cleopatra story, since the RSC had persuaded Patrick Stewart to play Mark Anthony in the latest production, they obviously had to take historical liberties to ensure a convincing performance from the star trek one. Stewart's self-parody on Extras was probably quite close to the, er, bone...

And I'm not so sure that men are in general quite as prepared as some women are to ingratiate themselves with the opposite sex simply because of their money...I mean, Anthony couldn't rely on a few blue pills from the doctor, could he, and alcohol has a notoriously depressing effect...

frobisher said...

Well no need to buy the Sunday papers after all that. It was a bit like John's Craven's newsround - only better!

I have got a bit part in the Charles de Memes film I play mugger no.3, white of course, in the interests of racial harmony.

Notice Robbie booked himself into a clinic the same time as the Brits, which incidentally he was nominated for nothing - thus ensuring front pages for himself and page 11 for the reformed Take That award news.

istanbultory said...

Good to see Ms Smack back on the job.
As for the gang of Chav teenagers and the "happy-slapping" incident,they certainly got more than they bargained for. The good thing is that the media has also reported that several members of the public also assisted Mr Mulcare in confronting these animals. That gives me cause for hope....people need to fight back. No doubt the Courts will subsequently fail in their duty. A close friend of mine was the victim of such an incident by a group of young Afro-Carribean types a few years back. The Police didn't even want to hear about it...

Newmania said...

Aha nice to see Arthurian legebnd is not quite as fobiddingly serioUs as one mught have assumed from the vast edudition of his posts so far . Very good by the way do go and have a look

AL- alchahol has a depresing effect on me thats for sure but Miss Smack is the resident sex expert I jusr try to join when I`m allowed.

Good point Frobisher I have long suspected that the gay poltroons drinking problems were nothing like on the scale of mine a few years ago which I did not consider a problem at all.

Glad to see you IT. In view of your comments of Hitch ( Jurassic Tory) and your supprt for David Cameron, which I share ( sulkily albeit) I was wondering how Liberal a Conservative you actually were.

You always seemt to be true blue but like so much else it remains a mystery .

Philipa said...

Arthurian legend - "Stewart's self-parody on Extras was probably quite close to the, er, bone...", how so Wart?

I'm with Croydonian on the Chopper issue, but I did have a blue spacehopper. Oh and red label Levi's from the age of about eight. All hail the older sister with own income :-)

David Allen said...

What was with the Chopper obsession anyway? I thought at the time it was the ugliest bike ever invented _ and still do. I had a racing bike instead for all the good it did me....
.....and BLUE spacehopper? I never knew they existed: I had the regulation orange one _ best Christmas gift ever....

electro-kevin said...

I gave out a meddle on Jim'll Fix It once.

electro-kevin said...

I got to give out a medal too !

Newmania said...

Hi Kev ...I would have loved a bounce on Phillipas blue Space hopper...I often think about it .were you really on Jim`ll fix it ?

Your letter is only the start of it ?....etc

Arthurian Legend said...

In Extras,Patrick Stewart played a sex-obsessed, leery, self-regarding old actor...

...himself

electro-kevin said...

Yes I was. 1987/8 I think it was.

I was in the City Police tug-of-war team and it was a christmas special where two young girls wanted to be pulled out of a giant xmas cracker.

Being one of the lightest on the team I was at the front and was, therefore, given a medal to put in my pocket. Me and the other front man then stood either side of Jimmy after the pull and put the medals round the girls' necks.

As we were doing this (off-shot) the pyrotechnics had set fire to the two halfs of the cracker. I was watching the video at my mum and dad's recently and you can see the team members behind us trying to stifle their laughter as stage-hands frantically beat out the flames.

I am 6'2" and I now see that I was dwarfed by the other team members. But I won the boat race competition because I can down a pint in 2.5 seconds. I can also do things like eat hot chillies and mustard which amused my chums very much.

I also got to pull with that team at the Royal Tournament and we got totally humiliated by the Ghurkas. Me being at the front hung onto the rope long after my colleagues had let go and I face-surfed through the horse shit and ash on the ground much to the delight of the onlooking troops.

Philipa said...

arthurian legend - thanks, that makes sense now. I've never found Ricky Gervais as funny as he's made out to be which is probably why I gave it a miss but I'm sorry I missed the prog it sounds like fun.

The Hitch said...

" Newmania fact . I played Joseph in the Primary School production and had a goodish Treble voice ."

Then got married and became a castrato like everybody else.

Newmania said...

Kev thats a superb story, you must be pretty strong it sounds hilarious

P I musrt say I do think Ricky Gervais is afunny as he`s made out to be nut each to their own.

HITCH did you know that when you cut someones balls off they keep grwoing and the castrati were often nearly 7 feet tall. I still have mine I `m just not allowed to use them

Newmania said...

and I face-surfed through the horse shit and ash on the ground much to the delight of the onlooking troops.


Brilliant !!!If it was me I`d still have my mouth open

Croydonian said...

More on Patrick Stewart here. Quite surprising too.

electro-kevin said...

N - the worst thing about it was that it was the best of three pulls, so I had to do it twice.

In my experience the best tug-of-war teams - the RUC (now disbanded) and the Ghurkas, short, stocky and as hard as nails.

Newmania said...

I would have greatly enjoyed seeing that Kev but good for you for being on the team.


Whoopi Goldberg !!!Now that wouldn`t be my first choice C ...

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