Monday, February 19, 2007

Dull Husband in the South ( of London)

Oh god I’m so depressed . Absolutely everyone in the whole world is fighting through a blizzard of publishing quids except me . There`s Wife in the North , now rich well connected writer in the North , but never mind . There’s … well one is far to many and what gets me is that some mysterious ingredient called ,“ the quality of the writing “, is the catnip in the garden. As far as I can tell this “quality of writing “, consists of over blown similes and being sad every now and then . So fighting through a haze of anti biotics I don’t see why I shouldn’t have a go . The core material is a bit weak granted, but I soldier on regardless.

I walked to the tube station , like a nifty little speedboat zipping into cut sapphire Aegean inlets . I picked up the paper and the news danced and sang with the Technicolor joy of a young Dick van Dyke. I looked at a grubby old bag lady ,( didn’t really shhh ..), and her face was a blossom falling from the Cherry tree in our house one spring . When I got to work I perused a Liability Policy which called like a Venetian courtesan’s scent caught by her entrapped lover on the bridge of sighs and goodness I felt a bit sad…..
I sat feeling sorry for myself and my soul skittered through the whispered aspens like a prayer. Oh blimey I realised I forgot my packed lunch.. But in such a strange enchanted day , a golden day , I made do with a Kit Kat from the machine……not bad not bad

Honest I can do it with a perforated edge if you prefer ? No takers ? Blast !. Not even a fiver? Ok Ok…….

Ha I prefer the griitty reality of being hard up anyway

23 comments:

Croydonian said...

Been reading Toby Young's 'How to lose friends and alienate people'?

Anonymous said...

Wiat until your cold cures wear off
you may have a better chance of writing that £70,000 book, but then ,well dream on.

Tim Ireland Too said...

Sorry. Is this a political site?

mutleythedog said...

Oh God if I was just back up north people or sheep at least would be here to help!! So unisolated here in the South. I looked round the people filled houses, not an empty (green, misty, mossy, consult thesarus fill in later)field/moor? for miles, and I only came here for the sake of my wife, who loves this, thank God I am havin seven babies, and as I reached for the saucepan of bbcarosa Sauce a series of quaint locals... Cant be bothered to parody the jarring contrast in 200 words thing she does so well - its fucking boring even as parody - man (continue in same vein for hours)

mutleythedog said...

Tim Ireland Too said...

Sorry. Is this a political site?


No - it is a UFO spotters site, the politics is a cover

Newmania said...

but then ,well dream on.


I know I know . Only kidding , I can`t do it.

electro-kevin said...

Newmania- really !

If you continue with diatribes such as this I shall have to start calling you 'chuckles'.

If anyone should be making money out of mawkish prose it should be meeeee ! (see earlier entries)

I've been bollocked again by Mrs P

"You come in from your clubs, you pay him no attention, you're always on that bloody computer, you never play with him, you teach him terrible table manners, you ignore him most of the time and then you're the one who comes in every once in a while and gets to give him a big treat while it's me that does all the graft... you never clear out his litter tray !"

I've had enough - I'm off to slum it on The Hitch's blogg before I go to work.

Philipa said...

A brilliant brilliant post.
Loved it.

Ms Smack said...

I hope that Monty Python reunite so that you can script write for them.

I think you have amazing ability and an incredible mind.

Ellee said...

Don't worry, you moment will come to sit on the Doughty Street sofa and you will be elevated to fame and fortune...

Newmania said...

and an incredible mind.......
and thats not all Miss Smack

( He lied in the safe knwolefge she`ll never know ).

I `, only kidding Ellee I`m not fussed about that sort of thing . I don`t do the consistent work you Croydoinina and Dizzy put in.

Wish I could

CityUnslicker said...

N - As you well know, she was a journalist and was therefore part of the media luvvy circuit.

You are not and your invitation will not be forthcoming.

Such is life, if someone offered me £70k but said I have to go and live in the North I'd think it was some sort of sick reality gameshow thing....

Newmania said...

To tell you the truth £70,000 would be a damn long way away from enabling me to stop work..its not actually all that much.

I don`t despair CU I`m very well connected among irrelevant people.

wife in the north said...

Hello, I just ambled by to get your URl to blogroll you. You are good but not as good as Bryan Appleyard. http://www.bryanappleyard.com/blog/2007/02/wife-in-money.php
(Overblown similes! I don't know what you mean. You are so nice as well when you come to visit me on my site.)

electro-kevin said...

"...Kit Kat from a machine...not bad not bad."

That, rather cleverly, brought the romantic "...enchanted day, a golden day." back into the 21st century and what it is like to live in BROWN'S BRITAIN !

Don't forget the arse-ripper toilet paper and the runny budget beans next time - or the cheap razor blades that cut your jowells to buggery...

...and my f****d up pension!!!


That political enough for you Mr Ireland ?


:-)

Newmania said...

I`m always about the same level of nice Wifey I didn`t mean I could do it , I meant I couldn`t do it .

i.e. Didn`t mean to nasty.

Newmania said...

Hallo Kev now thats what I call impact " arse ripper" ...do they make that stuff still?

Newmania said...

Hallo Kev now thats what I call impact " arse ripper" ...do they make that stuff still?

electro-kevin said...

No they don't make AR toilet paper anymore.

Are you hard of hearing, N ???

Okay - I'll say it again.

NO THEY DON'T MAKE ARSE RIPPER TOILET PAPER ANYMORE !

Er - that was my attempt at humour because N asked me the question twice. Gerrit ??

(Tumbleweed)

Why doooo I bovver ?

I just thought the image of me wiping my arse mournfully with scratchy paper would add to the grittiness of my political commentary. I like to help people with such imagery, you see.

(I expect Ellee's earlier impressions of me have changed somewhat by now)

electro-kevin said...

Actually Newmania, that last entry of mine now strikes me as being just a tad too grapic !

I suppose the genie's out of the bottle now and my reputation as a clean blogger is completely sullied.

It's just that if we ever have a blogger convention I doubt I could show my face now.

I suppose in recent weeks my standards have gone down south so to speak. I haven't shaved for ages nor polished my boots and I'm even thinking of having a tattoo ... maybe two tattoos ... or would that be a tu-tu ?

Confusing. Must have more coffeeee ......

Newmania said...

Graphic is good Kev and it is a very good image . I don`t think that one will be finding its way into the Wife of the North though.

I think you`re good but i don`t see Kev the serail published in the Sunday Times

Philipa said...

Wife in the North - get stuffed!

I couldn't stand more than a few minutes of reading your drivel - I have a loving husband and family and am uspet about my new location. Oh poor poor me.

I'm a single mother who could be taken to court and my children taken into care because I'm so bloody poor and have no husband who works his arse off to keep me with a roof over my head anywhere! I also can't work because I still have mobility problems from an accident that completely devastated my life, and I've been in and out of hospital most of last year, yet I still manage to care for two children without writing a flowery whinge about it. And I think I'm well off! There are people in far worse circumstances than me. And Newmania's writing is superb thank you. Which is why I come here so often.

electro-kevin said...

Philipa Rocks !


Swoon

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