Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Waiting For Guido ...

.......and its the waiting that drives you mad


As Marvin Gaye put it “What going on ?”. Not much really . We are in the phoney Tony war. Labour are imploding but the blue team are not picking up the spare votes and are yet to breast the magical 40% tape . Prisons collapse and crime stumbles unchecked around the country faintly confused that no-one cares . Our glorious President Blair is ensnared by the many tentacled sleaze monster and Brown will be hatching his “It wasn’t me”, story as we speak . Caps on Party spending is my guess for New New labour .The stinking rotten tooth of Islamic fascism is getting pulled painfully into the daylight despite the best efforts of the anti racism industry . Notably a little snuff movie that got lost in pre-production ,and some terrifying figures about “Radicalised Muslim Youth” ,(criminals that is), and their great liking for people who want to kill us .Nothing new there though. One yearns for action , to be involved ,to don the blue rosette and sally into the lists . Come on Blair ya `big pansy “Lets get it on”..

………as Marvin Gaye also said….


Stanley did not say “Dr. Livingstone I presume” In fact he was a serial self re inventor and hid his glorious lineage( son of a Welsh whore) with a variety of tall tales. He made it up, and used it to pocket loot on lucrative US lectures tours . Remind you of anyone ? John Guilgud said …of Claude Rains ,“He failed and went to America“. are we warm yet? Yes it is of course the President of Britain who has leapt unbidden into my mind . What will he say of himself when he turns up for his Beckham like ,” One for the money”..” I have nothing to declare but my genius”, I think not . Frank Johnson had a marvellous insight into what Labour have been doing after clause four got chucked out of the life boat.” They couldn’t nationalise companies anymore so they decided to nationalise people”

Or here’s one I made earlier in the show ,“They tried to fit meritocracy into equality“. It fits as well as a glass slipper fits an ugly sister .How did they imagine it could work?


Doctors have called for higher taxes on booze. Even higher they mean , we are due for an extra 10p on the price of a Scottish and Newcastle Pint and they make one in four pulled. A combination of EU related costs ,employment tax and so on , and VAT are responsible for 6p of the 10p. This is not , however , a tax rise. Oh no. they want yet more . This is because of the health implications of the 24 hour licence we have enjoyed. That licence was to revive local economies , like the gambling and soon , no doubt, prostitution and drugs. It is clear where the revenues from this revival are headed is it not .

Doctors will not mind much on £300,000 per annum and will , of course, remain the epic piss heads they have always been.


Every car has a licence and the DVLA ,as we know has Hal`s evil brood of super computers monitoring us . The number of unlicensed vehicles resolutely continues to climb steeply , so why on earth would we imagine that ID cards will work. I have read costings of anywhere between £5bio and £20 bio. Given that £53bio is the UK`s food bill, we can safely say its an awful lot…


In a rare tip toe into Croydonian territory I notice Xavier Bertrand the Frog health Minister is proposing a right to nap . Yes that’s right, with only a 35 hour average working week, the French are about to have statutory right to a siesta . I also notice that France topped a poll for quality of life in which we were below several war zones. About 35th actually. We should never have given up our French holdings …and the women are gorgeous as well. Why is everything here so “mal”.

Je ne sais pas.


Reinforced steel Parking meters are being designed for Lewes east Sussex , after ordinary models were blown up more than 300 times. Ruth O Keefe a County Councillor said the town had a tradition of dissent and “explosives expertise”. If I don`t move to France I `m moving to Lewes, “Save me banger to throw chaps ..!!!”


Peaches Geldof , and don`t pretend you don`t know who she is , has just been voted number ten in an Arena Magazine Poll of ,“celebrities least worthy of the status”. The winner was Peter Doherty but David Cameron came in a creditable fourth. I can think of other contenders myself …as I `m sure can we all… Prescott …Beckett…spoilt for choice really.


Three out of ten men claim they would abstain from sex for life, for a million pounds . This was a survey for ,“Company “ ,magazine. I don’t get it . The first thing I would do with a “Million pounds “ is purchase the finest sex money can buy.. By this I mean , of course , take my lovely wife out to Dinner.
In France probably , its nice there.


Following the planned closure of the Office for national Statistics in Pimlico ,staff will either be relocated to Newport or made redundant when the office moves ,in 2010.Mark Sewotka “the Union General secretary claimed the quality of statistics would be undermined and that the announcement “will anger staff and increase the possibility of a strike”

The increase in the possibility of a strike was calculated to be 123.5467397874 5% but they could be wrong…..(sorry)

Since the dangerous dogs act 800 Londoners have been wounded by dog attacks . `Tis about the same as before the Act. I think I can do without statisticians to tell me that as a waste of time.


People are so touchy aren’t they .Trevor Mathews the revered head of Standard Life was setting out the firm’s employee pension proposals when he was asked why plans to close the final salary scheme had been buried on page 126 of the prospectus. ”Ah “ he said gravely” That’s the nigger in the woodpile”. Endless statements and apologies later he has kept his job . This will please him as at £450,000 pa he is on some sweet action. Far more than Blair and somewhat more than the head of the BBC. He seems a nice chap and explained the phrase was common in his youth and had slipped out .Know the problem.
Meanwhile Ginger Footballer Paul Dyke has reported a referee for making Gingerist comments during a match. Apparently the official barked “Oi ginger shut up”
Refs ..”he says, “should not be allowed to abuse and discriminate.. Hampshire FC are investigating the unusual incident. …

I bet they are sitting in the pub laughing their jolly old Jacob`s off about it .I would .


On a day when we discover that 8000 Policemen are doing an hour a week for full pay and in the shadow of their tremendously important Big Brother interviews I am reminded of the recent coup scored by the Bobbies of Purton Wiltshire . About 30 pairs of knickers were found draped over road signs and gravestones prompting a full investigation .Top sleuths made this statement, “Noone has reported any stolen and they all appear to be new and of good quality”.

Hmmm. Highly suggestive..but of what?


Richard Gere ( the actor , it says) was to be found a couple of weeks ago shouting ,“No condom , No sex” ..as thousands of Indian prostitutes danced . This took place while he presented awards to Aids workers, at a ceremony in a Mumbai fairground .I `d like to have seen that.
Scientists report that a portion of chips can have a damaging effect of fertility. Good job to . In Croydon this is the main tool in family planning . Richard Gere should have a word with thousands of dancing Chavs , not that they would listen.


We live in a country where the most likely people to steal from the old are their own children but I can`t face it today. I don’t want to face it . I may be about to crack ,and it can happen for the smallest reason .A 53 year old Turkish man who killed his wife with a hammer told police it was because she cooked him noodles for a month . “ It was unbearable “ ..he said .

It is isn`t it . Sometimes we can only say “Nihil radicibus sparget “

( Translates as : Spread nothing on the root vegetables ..sounds good though)


Anonymous said...

Well done on this, Newmania.

Made me laugh and destroyed any romantic tendancies for me this 4.47am - Mrs P will be relieved !

What is so wrong with being the son of a 'Welsh whore' pray tell ?

They're still remarkably good value for money y'know.

Stan Bull said...

Excellent, excellent stuff, N. Your blogging ouput really is first-rate.
The spare votes seem to be going the Lib Dems way....for reasons that are not easy to fathom. Equally unfathomable is the fact that Dave should come in fourth in the "Arena Magazine Poll". Where was Gordo I do wonder? Apparently, another poll has found that only a minority of voters (Tory voters as well) have difficulty with the notion of a Scottish PM ....
NuLabour doesn't dare, never will take on Muslim extremists. They long for the days when they could comfortably and effortlessly pick up 75-85% of the Muslim vote.
Gordo, more so than even Blair, needs to regain the bretheren. Fast.
Spousal murder is staggeringly high in Turkey, BTW.

Newmania said...

I think the Lib Dums are benefitting from a solid dislike of the Conservative Party that Cameron`s progress has , at least , reached. It can hardly be the Libs .
I have always said winning an election was not going to be easy and gathering support for change would have to be done step by step.
Patience loyalty and determination are required. I think in ther lelction all the minor Parties will suffer though especially UKIP in swing seats

CityUnslicker said...

Blimey, You are becoming a more regular blogger I see N.

This post is heroic in length and now I can't remember what any of the points were that I wanted to make!

Newmania said...

It wasn`t supposed to be serious CU.I`m only doing it once or twice a week so I hope that excsuse the longuer

Anonymous said...

Clearly I got the mood wrong on this one, Newmania.

Newmania said...

I wouldn`t know Kev. I don`t take myself , or this , very seriously. In fact I`ve spent most of the day on getting pissed with clients duty so judgement of tone is not my strong point .

Now I have to go and have a war meeting with Islignton conservatives and I `m not sure I will be able to stay awake

Anonymous said...

About you...

I lost the poem
I woke up with.
Something beautiful
about... you.

The beautiful poem
slipped away.
And there you were
your magnificient

Inside the night
I bit you.
am I compelled
to act like that
around you, I mean,
I like you
a lot.

Yes I can't
chewing your arm
like an excited puppy
I become
in your presence...

I must confess
I live
for this exquisite
rushing like coffee
through all my body's

The luxury of your hands
at my throat
before sleep...

I love you...

Eliza, 6 February 2007
for Pee xxx

James Higham said...

...Our glorious President Blair is ensnared by the many tentacled sleaze monster...

That's the closest to the truth I've seen in a long while. And why not spread anything on root vegetables?

Anonymous said...

With one bound he will be free.

Too much circumstantial evidence...

...too many edifices at risk.

But now everybody knows, at last.

(Rending poem Eliza)

Newmania said...

Aha Eliza
you mean something like this

....Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,

That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome ! those caves of ice !
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware ! Beware !
His flashing eyes, his floating hair !
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Sigh... I sometimes wish you would apply yourself .You have some good ideas but a lamentable lack of discipline , not to say worthy subject matter.

Anonymous said...

Its hard to comment here without spending ages - I liked reading it all though!!

Newmania said...

I know MutleyI haven`t really got this right but then I don`t post often.

I wasn`t really intending to get into a "My precious blog" state of mind but I think less stuff, and a bit more regularly, would be better ala CU or IT( who are both naturals )

Anonymous said...

I liked to read it too, Mutleythedog.

The only poetry I know by heart is the 23rd psalm - I have it in mind for when I may find myself truly afraid.

That was a good response NM and I think that Eliza has talent.

Newmania said...

She has something Kev.....

Anonymous said...

So far today has been good.

I'm looking after next doors' lad who is ill at the moment. But in a couple of hours I'll be out in what seems to be autumnal weather, which is my favourite kind even though it is a little disconcerting (global warming an' all that).

Today has been good because I've found my hat ! The hat was my only Christmas present from Mrs P and I'd only worn it once before it disappeared. It came from FatFace and is rather trendy, but makes up for the fact that the only other things I got were the usual (most welcome) tools from my mum and dad's local pound shop.

As those of you with kids know everything gets spent on them - with twin boys daddy gets the best deal, our lounge floor was littered with Dr Who figurines and giant Daleks (just the things I wanted - I mean really). I was grateful as a kid with Action Man and Meccano which I somehow melded together perilous scenes - but today ? Wow - kid heaven.

But back to my hat. I'd been really bollocked by Mrs P for losing it, but I know deep down that she was choked - so was I. And it's great to truly value simple things again - that's one of the privileges when money is a little bit tight.

I found my hat in the lining of my bag. But I had been consolling myself "It was only a bloody hat - we can get another one ..." and in view of the forgoing concerns about global warming "...never mind, there're twenty more fish in the sea."

(Unfortunately I can't claim that last sentence for myself)

Stan Bull said...

No need for modesty, N...This blog of yours is pure class. Not quite in the "Real Peter Hitchens" league but how many of us can aspire to such heights??

Newmania said...

Not me IT , I did send him this clip from the mirror but if he doen`t want it......

A PUB has been blasted for sick humour because it sells a dish called "Barrymore Pie - Faggots swimming in gravy".

The bad-taste name is a reference to the death of Stuart Lubbock, found drowned in the pool at TV star Michael Barrymore's home in 2001.

Landlord Peter Towler of Mad O'Rourkes in Tipton, West Mids, said yesterday he would not bow to complaints from people offended. He added: "I won't be bullied."

Angry Karina Thompson said: "Faggot is a pejorative term for a gay man. I've written to complain."

( Yes but the problem was he couldn’t swim it should be called faggot splashing around a bit then drowning in gravy) Newmania says

KEV- All our money goes on little Elliot.I have jeans and a leather jacket. What else do you really need ?
Also a motor bike
A pile of music equipment

( But I bought them a while ago...and my car is a disgrace)

CityUnslicker said...

faggot is also a pejorative word for some kind of indescribable food. So I think the landlord will win.

On the blogging front N, you need to discover your inner lazy self. You are thinking once a week is less effort, when in fact a short para a day(ish) takes me 30 mins at most.

Having said that you should also consider that you get about 1000x more traffic doing it your own way. Appreciate the praise, despite its inaccuracy.

Newmania said...

The innner lazy self is never far off CU. I badly need to get my head back onto remunerative matters so a Stalinist rationalisation is due shortly



Miao 妙 said...

Waiting for Godot. Waiting for Guido. Waiting for Godot. Hm.

Out of compassion I shall answer your question which was asked in the spirit of scientific curiosity - no, I am not a screamer. What induced you to think so in the first place?

Anonymous said...

I have an awful joke about the poor Mr Lubbock of which I am ashamed.

I am really proud of this though:

At 9.55pm last night I made a contribution to this thread if you care to read.

The New Labour mouth piece (The Sun) confirms what I say on page 2 of the newspaper this morning. I won't claim credit for this - if you want my source just ask. I expect that the cash for peerages enquiry is probably defunct from now on.

Sorry to disappoint. But here's something meaty:

I used to be a cop and most of my erstwhile colleagues are in anti-terrorism. I met up with them at a reunion after sixteen years. They still like me enough to include them.

I illicited from them (without them knowing it) that the preferred method of despatch was still the double-tap. Why was a whole clip unloaded systematically into De Menezes' head ?

Why do my gut instincts tell me that this 'cop' had killed before ?
(shortly afterwards he did it again)

Why do I feel that Cressida Dick (unfortunate name) had no control over the situation ?

Just who exactly is in control of our country ?

And a message to any lurkers - rather than send the MIB round to me or plant kiddie porn on my 'pooter why not some straight anwers instead ?

I've a funny feeling I won't be going to any more re-unions.

Anonymous said...

You have entertained us all in your unique fashion. I would say lucky wife, but don't make her wait for that impossible day when you become a millionaire - take her to France this weekend for a surprise romantic weekend to mark Valentine's Day. I'm sure she deserves it.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Ellee, but I must get on with the serious business of driving trains.

And I still love my country.

Newmania said...

- no, I am not a screamer. What induced you to think so in the first place?..( Hoorah someone gets my joke I was so proud)

That is absolutely typical female thinkin` you say why. I say ..why not? But it could be the name ..theres an urban myth about far Eastern women..........yuk yuk yuk ...no? Oh well.

KEV I quite seriously have been wondering about that...If you liked shooting people what would you do for a living ? If you like kiddy fiddling what job would you get ? That , sadly is exactly what happens as we know .

Answer 1 Police Shooter
2 Child care

all very true as we well know is Islington

Ellie what a lovely idea.Perhaps you could help finanace the excursion with your stash of media bullion paid by the BBC.I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU!!

Anonymous said...

She has something Kev..... (giggle, giggle)

Oh, Peeeeee xxx

Anonymous said...

Well she obviously doesn't think that much of me, Eliza:

"...that impossible day when you become a millionaire ..."

Such faith in my talents.

Anonymous said...

I never know what to make of Eliza Kev ...you could become a millionaire by writing your book The best method is to be the son of a multi Millionaire though.

Anonymous said...

Thanks NM. Re your 3.08pm I saw the City Police TFG in action up close once (the Met equivelent is SO19). It is an awsome sight to behold and I don't doubt the integrity or professionalism of any of them.(that's my point)

Why do they do it ?

To be there. Where it's at.

I am as straight as they come, but I seriously doubted my sexuality for a moment.

In a word ?


That's how I would describe it.

(You had to be there haha)

Anonymous said...

And on the subject of pies ...

Peat senior is 65 now and a bit grumpy on occaision (Victor Meldrew to a 'T')

Walks into a Tesco cafe for lunch and fancies boiled potatoes, runner beens gravey and pie. The assistant declares with each request for an item, "Sorreeee ...we ain't got nunna that."

So my dad ends up having just the pie on its own. "Where's the gravy ?" he pleads as the dry steak & kidney pie is served up.

The assistant says "Well you'll find that there's gravy in the pie." to which my dad retorts ...

"I expect to find meat in the pie ... not f***ing gravy !"

Youngsters today, eh ?

Well I thought it was funny.

Anonymous said...

By the way I am not sure its a good idea to have words like sex, boys, condoms, etc. all in one post. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

Bridport Devon - wahay.

Anonymous said...

Surf up, Mutleythedog ?

Newmania said...

Kev i bet i could out do you with father being wierd tales.This is not one .
It was a strange day when we hiked up Hellvellyn in the Winter and the snow came in.He had been made of iron all my life and suddenly I had to look after him in what was a very dangerous spot

( we had brilliantly ignored the warnings not to climb)

He still has the worlds biggest mouth though.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, I never thought about charging the Beeb, what's the going rate? They did buy me a coffee though.

I'm hoping you might have a good night out on Saturday and oversleep the next day...

Anonymous said...

Glad you chimed in there, Ellee 'cause I have an issue here:

The reason I only got a hat this Christmas is because of being financially straitened after a series of romantic gestures. Y'know ...

...the impulse buy on a replacement fridge, dishwasher, that sort of thing.

I bought her a rabbit a couple of years ago (er...a real one, I hasten). I class them as vermin myself and my medical approach to rabbits is a bit countryfied ('e sleep wi'da feeshes, capiche ?).

The rabbit fell ill and Mrs P had grown so attached to it she took it to the vets ( I hadn't insured it) After £500 of bills it died anyway.

...and she brought the bloody thing back for burial. We had to go out into the back garden with the kids and give it a Christian service. It hadn't even been Confirmed ! %@&$ !

Then I fell ill having moved to Devon and a new company and wasn't entitled to any sick pay for two months - never really recovered from that loss either.

We're by no means profligate and for the past year we've been living without credit cards etc, and it has been bloody hard getting the overdaft back down in Brown's Britain with his whacky notion of inflation rates and that irritating twitch that he does with his gob.

So nooo(best Harry Enfield impression) ... get behind thee, temptress Ellee !

(Must say a trip to Paris would be just the ticket though - I know a dancer at the Moulin Rouge, seriously, phwoar - and I reckon I still have enough clout with my chums at Eurostar to blag an upgrade to 1st class)

Suppose I'd better say something useful now:

PowerBond glue - does exactly what it says on the tin, can't get it from the shops because it's lethal in the wrong hands (I kid you not - Superglue x10) Peat Senior still has a toilet seat attached to his arse (joke).

You can find it here: www.powerbondsales.com - it costs around £10 per bottle (with extras) but I've save hundreds of pounds in repairs using the stuff.
I first discovered it in one of those dodgy markets where the guy sells pirate DVDs on the information film you see at the cinema ... y'know, the one where he refuses to give the money back, tosser. (the guy trying to GET the money back that is !)

As for dads NM yes - I do dodgy mountain walking too in winter and stuff, camping out at night, gettin shit scared of the Blair witch, she has a gob on her that lass I tell ya - mine decided to have a turn while I was there over Christmas and I had to call an ambulance ...

... it's a real paradigm shift to realise that our parents are just kids too.

(just getting mawkish again - oooh 6.30am time for Mrs P's cup of mint tea)

Anonymous said...

Oh - and Eliza ? When you do that "Oh peeee ... xxx" thing ?

It kinda turns me on ? (Australian Question Intonation here)

Hey, no biggy ! (Not yet anyway - fnarr fnarr) Keep doing it, but I just thought you should know.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry if my last was a bit informal and over familiar, Eliza.

Humour is always a tricky thing to get right, that's what makes it exciting - a bit of risk.

Men don't have the monopoly on ascerbic and crude wit either I'll have you know.

Only the other day Mrs P and I were walking along the coast path by the lovely beaches of Budley Salterton. When walking I usually make some kind of intelligent observation such "Ooh, I wonder why it looks so industrial around here ..." or "I wonder how this town used to trade with Wales before the bridge was built ..." all rubbish of course, there to assure Mrs P that I haven't become inured to her chit-chat or company and fallen asleep.

And of Budley Salterton I said "I reckon a lot of old people live around here, do you want to know why ?" Of course I was alluding to the cleanliness of the place and the amount of dedicated park benches. Mrs P replied ...

"Err - 'cause it stinks of piss ?"

And do you know, in a funny way it did stink of piss too.

Anonymous said...

Went down the pub today at Babbacombe [does this guy do anything for a living ???]

I'm now the proud owner of an adorable rescue cat.

(er - try not to link the two together, but it's all true I promise)

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