Adieu

I have spent the last three years blogging on and off and commenting . The result of all this is that my mind has become a exquisitely honed weapon able to disembowel a socialist in blur of blade , fur and flesh .My encyclopaedic store of detail required for New Labour apologist hunting is rightly feared and my Sisyphian press cuttings system fills half a room . There can be little doubt that , cerebrally speaking, I am close to perfect . ….(ahem)
Sadly a man is not composed of witty rejoinders and devastating retorts alone , he is also corporeal and I have also put on about two stone . We have three small children and my work is increasingly demanding ( a good thing ! ). I have cut out PE to make time for monging around the interweb and become ,lets face it ;fat .
I am too fat to wear the means Streets Leather Jacket that was once my dearest love , I am too fat to walk around a swimming pool without the almost imperceptible backward lean that generally denotes a “Delicate state”. I grunt like when I bend , wobble repulsively , and , worst of all ,my face is a macabre reflection of what was once me, as if in the back of a spoon .My optimum lighting is ,….perpetual night !
OK lets get the facts on the table here . I played rugby at about 11 and a half stone , my late twenties were spent at about 12 stone and during my thirties I was fit as a flea spending an unhealthy amount of time in the gym .Good god I cycled thirty miles a day for a year and hardly broke sweat . Now I get palpitations lifting and especially well filled sandwich to my dribbling gob. I do nothing but shift sweatily from one overripe buttock to another at my desk and scoff chocs when I get home . I am now fourteen stone .Fourteen stone , that’s like carrying an infant around on your stomach for Christ`s sake !“Its disgusting , unclean and sinful .
Thus in the interest of producing the all round perfect human being I am going to withdraw from this virtual world until late july when I will return from our holiday (in Cornwall) a svelte gorgeous sexy deity , with a bottom composed of steel orbs and a stomach you could play like a glockenspiel
I will be starting tomorrow with a sharp run on the Downs and some fruit , I may eat a rice cake or stick pins in my eyes depending on which seems the least pleasurable .Forged from fires of suffering the new men shall resemble the Silver Surfer but with hair and some clothes…

Adieu .