Sunday, April 26, 2009

Adieu

I have spent the last three years blogging on and off and commenting . The result of all this is that my mind has become a exquisitely honed weapon able to disembowel a socialist in blur of blade , fur and flesh .My encyclopaedic store of detail required for New Labour apologist hunting is rightly feared and my Sisyphian press cuttings system fills half a room . There can be little doubt that , cerebrally speaking, I am close to perfect . ….(ahem)
Sadly a man is not composed of witty rejoinders and devastating retorts alone , he is also corporeal and I have also put on about two stone . We have three small children and my work is increasingly demanding ( a good thing ! ). I have cut out PE to make time for monging around the interweb and become ,lets face it ;fat .
I am too fat to wear the means Streets Leather Jacket that was once my dearest love , I am too fat to walk around a swimming pool without the almost imperceptible backward lean that generally denotes a “Delicate state”. I grunt like when I bend , wobble repulsively , and , worst of all ,my face is a macabre reflection of what was once me, as if in the back of a spoon .My optimum lighting is ,….perpetual night !
OK lets get the facts on the table here . I played rugby at about 11 and a half stone , my late twenties were spent at about 12 stone and during my thirties I was fit as a flea spending an unhealthy amount of time in the gym .Good god I cycled thirty miles a day for a year and hardly broke sweat . Now I get palpitations lifting and especially well filled sandwich to my dribbling gob. I do nothing but shift sweatily from one overripe buttock to another at my desk and scoff chocs when I get home . I am now fourteen stone .Fourteen stone , that’s like carrying an infant around on your stomach for Christ`s sake !“Its disgusting , unclean and sinful .
Thus in the interest of producing the all round perfect human being I am going to withdraw from this virtual world until late july when I will return from our holiday (in Cornwall) a svelte gorgeous sexy deity , with a bottom composed of steel orbs and a stomach you could play like a glockenspiel
I will be starting tomorrow with a sharp run on the Downs and some fruit , I may eat a rice cake or stick pins in my eyes depending on which seems the least pleasurable .Forged from fires of suffering the new men shall resemble the Silver Surfer but with hair and some clothes…

Adieu .

18 comments:

Bill Quango MP said...

You will be missed. Do look in from time to time.
I have forsworn chocolate, crisps and biscuits until 1 stone is lost. {Its not going that well. Found an easter egg that had been forgotten to be given out. What to do? Give to children?..eat the lot?..?}

idle said...

I take it that you are not very tall newms, for I am 14 stone and 6 foot 1, and I do not suffer from the lardbutt wobbling you describe. I also played my rugby at below 12 stone.

It is true that I could do with losing half a stone, but there seems no point in frightening the horses.

Return in early July for the idle quarterly verse compo.

Mark Wadsworth said...

N, best of luck.

BQ, just eat it! Chocolate is good.

apricotfox said...

Oh no! Bad news! A brief acquaintance, but precious nonetheless! Please keep visiting,if you have time!
Good luck with the weight thing. I cut out alcohol periodically and that has a marked effect...no fun, of course!

Newmania said...

5 .9 Idle ...( once again the ugly face of apart-height reveals itself )

Philipa said...

Um.. last time I saw you you looked delicious and had a gorgeous bum. And the leather jacket was attractive too. But however you look, Newms I wish you happy. If you are happier in yourself working out and beefing up those already broad shoulders then hey, who am I to complain? I just hope we get pictures in july.

All best xxx

david cameron's forehead said...

You will be remembered & remain a legend on the 'sphere. We await your return & that.

Personally I doubt I'd be able to keep myself away from blogs actually. The hunger to express myself is constant. :)

Bill Quango MP said...

CU is taking guest posters now Newms.
If you have something that absolutely, positively has to be shared with the world, email it from the C@W link. Some good ones in recently and a classic that seems to have been written by Gordon Brown himself, so incoherently were the threads of the argument wound together.

Little Black Sambo said...

Au revoir, not adieu, please! We have scotched the snake, not killed it. You will be MUCH missed. Keep commenting on those other blogs, at least: maintaining the right degree of incandescent rage must surely burn off some fat.

Newmania said...

Sadly not LBS cheerio back in August ( actually its not so much being fat as being fat and having children and work ....and what was it ...oh yes wife ):)

Auntie Flo' said...

I shall miss your posts, newms, but I'm pleased to see someone break free from the this one eyed monster for a time. Wonderful as the blogs are, they're supposed to set us free, not take over our lives and ruin our bodies. Have a great time.

I bet you return before July...

Philipa said...

Why not let Flo do the occasional guest post while you is away?

mutleythedog said...

Thats a crock Paul...

Praguetory said...

Working further on your Leftie-baiting skills would cause unacceptable compromises in the rest of your life. I fully understand.

Bill Quango MP said...

Are you sure you want to keep quiet about all the Telegraph's revelations.Are you feeling a bit like Lloyd Bridges in Airplane!

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines "

mutleythedog said...

Well thats why I passed by,....

Newmania said...

Actually i have been in manchester talking about business continuity...... No no its not as glamorous as it sounds

Bill Quango MP said...

Actually i have been in manchester talking about business continuity...... No no its not as glamorous as it sounds.

Shame. I doubt the excitement of the title could ever match the reality.

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