Letter One

As a newcomer to Lewes with priorities I expect to be illegal in my life time, the first thing I did was a quick survey of the local pubs. I`d hate to be rude to Lewesians so I will quote them directly…. “Its like a funeral …” ..,” It’s all died since the smoking ban..”…..and from a Landlord ,“I doubt we can carry on ….”. This he grimly opined as we sent elegiac whisps of smoke past that boon to mankind, the patio heater. Others regret the “Soul” leaving pubs in Hailsham where custom has dropped 25 % ( Express 6.1.08). Around the country there is an 8% fall in trade according to a recent poll. Working men`s clubs and Bingo Halls have closed quickly. Where there was happiness let us bring misery , they might have said .
The not very fabulous Baker boy, Norman, has been supine, having not voted on the bill and so here we are, suffering an imposition last attempted in Europe by Adolph Hitler, prior to the current round of health fascist bullying . Never mind , we smokers are a stoic lot and we have our heated patios to continue the fine English tradition of venting spleen on the weasels we pay for at Westminster . There is plenty of venting to be done as well.
For example, the Lib Dems have unforgivably reneged on their promise to give the people a referendum on our forthcoming status as Airstrip One of the EU -land . Once again Monsieur Baker , is in my sights. He disingenuously claimed he has “decided” to save Brown from his rebels by supporting the ratification of the treaty ,soi disant , which all sentient beings in the solar system know is just the Constitution in a poor disguise .Worse still the Independent reported (21. 1.08) that the Nick Clegg…Baker’s master, is already negotiating to trade power for PR at the next election. This makes a vote for them a vote for the oily rag to Brown’s engineer; well a couple of pints and I can get well into my stride on this, and you begin to see why they want to destroy the pub.
Already a seething cauldron of resentment ,conceive my joy upon reading that Fiona Hall the Lib Dem MEP is leading calls for a Brussels edict banning our saviour the aforesaid outside heaters . I daresay she thinks that every time you light one a Polar Bear dies , despite their increasing numbers , and the globe turns up to gas mark six , despite the stable temperature of the last ten years. Well on Global warming , or is it cooling , I’m a sceptic not a denier . On passive smoking I am a denier . Authoritative studies by the International Agency For Research on Cancer and the America Cancer Society showed “No significant risk “. The latter of these followed 35,000 people for 40 years . It’s a myth.
So here is my challenge . Can anyone find anything as aneurysm inducingly irritating than a Lib Dem Brussels busybody making you sit in bone freezing sleet outside your ruined pub for the sake of a trendy causes and fictional health risks . If you can I would say “just shoot me“. As I enjoy life I will instead say , just passive-smoke me to death . Should take about until the next ice age …..
Yours sincerely,